Lesson: By Helping Others We Help Ourselves

Recently I visited my brother in NJ. I stayed with him, his wife and five year old daughter. While there, I was subjected to helping entertain and then prime his daughter for her third dance recital. I had forgotten the ritualistic and somewhat masochistic character of dance. Once, not too long ago, I was immersed in this world. Now, for whatever reason, whether it is body shape, age, injuries or the pursuit of new interests, I have temporarily left dance. Working with my niece allowed me to reflect on the joys I once felt for the expression of rhythm and melody through movement. I experienced somewhat of a sad, nostalgic feeling, but for the most part, I was overjoyed by my niece's enthusiasm for dance as well as her delight in her new costume. After all, one of the perks of dance is the opportunity to wear frilly outfits is it not? I remember begging my mother when I was my niece's age for a tutu. However, back in the eighties costumes were more expensive because they had not yet developed synthetic materials to the degree they have now. I'm thrilled that my niece gets a new tutu or frilly outfit each year; this is the true benefit of technology. But I digress. . .


















As I fixed my niece's hair, my fingers felt awkward and I fumbled with her bobby-pins in addition to almost blinding her with moose! I suddenly was shocked to realize that I identified with my mother. She always had struggled with my hair before dance concerts, especially when I was very young. A little blond, white girl's hair for those of you who don't know, is the best and the worst! It is so delicate and soft it feels like goose down but it is also uneven and slippery and, as a result, it is almost impossible to get into a bun. As I wrestled with my niece's locks, I realized that I had never had the opportunity to prep a little person for a dance recital. At this point I sensed *Gasp!* a maternal instinct within myself. Perhaps there was a future for me in styling a little girl's hair, maybe even my own daughter's hair someday. I recognized that my role in the dance world had changed. I had gone from being the performer to the supporter.




Working with my niece, who was VERY squirmy, required that I develop a new somatic vocabulary. I had to be swift but gentle. She was so small! Her hair was so fine! I was in awe of my mother and my sister-in-law for having done this grooming ritual for numerous years. In addition, I was embarrassed by my awkwardness and promised myself that I would become a more active participant in my niece's life.







On the last day of my visit I experienced an especially touching moment. Early in the morning, around 5am, my niece crawled in bed with me and nuzzled into the curve of my body. I had never slept with a child before. Once again, I felt awkward, what if I crush her? Does she have enough room? Should I reciprocate her affection? I felt rigid as I overanalyzed this simple matter of the heart. In the end, I cleared my mind and decided to hug her. If she didn't have enough room I was pretty confident that my niece would have no problems kicking me or telling me to move. As for rolling over and crushing the poor girl, well, my brother would forgive me eventually right? I guess we were pretty cute together because flashes of light and whispers soon woke me up. The rest of my family had gathered in the door to take pictures of my niece and I. Luckily my niece slept through it.



I left my brother's place with a stronger sense of self and a restored spirit. Recently, after I had finished telling this story to a friend, he commented " Isn't it amazing when you're around someone who is able to give unconditional love?" His comment clarified my experience for me. My niece is free of most judgments at this point in her life. When I'm around her, everything is true and sincere. I do not have this experience in daily interactions with adults. When I need to emotionally recharge, I often think back to my weekend at my brother's house and the trust and love offered me by my niece. I needed to be needed and unconditionally loved. A five year old renewed my heart.